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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26272483">Put that thing back where it comes from or so help me !!!</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GivemeanID/pseuds/GivemeanID'>GivemeanID</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Gen, The Uchiha are Vampires, badass!Tobi, sassy!Tobi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:47:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,537</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26272483</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GivemeanID/pseuds/GivemeanID</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Finally, if you asked Hashirama Senju what his baby brother's worst flaw was, you would get an hour-long lecture (with a presentation and diagrams) of how his Tobira-chan was way way WAY too curious for his own good and the world's sanity. Yes, he knew it was for Science, but maybe don't raise the dead. Again.</p>
<p>Turned out (as surprisingly as it was) that regarding the current situation, Hashirama was right.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>233</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Put that thing back where it comes from or so help me !!!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Was inspired by one of Alasse_m drawings (vampire Madara with Tobirama) instead that my brain went full crack ^^</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If you asked Tobirama Senju what his worst flaw was, he would answer you that he wasn't a people person. Simple and concise. If you tried to push further, he would either ignore you or sike one of his experiments at you (the Undead Pigeons Incident was not to be remembered. Half the Senju Clan still had panic attack at the simple sight of a feather).</p>
<p>If you asked Mito Uzumaki what her dear brother-in-law's worst flaw was, she would tell you that he had none (then, it was a known fact that Mito Uzumaki was an asshole who got off on watching the Tobirama related chaos, so her opinion was not to be taken into account).</p>
<p>If you asked Toka Senju what her baby cousin's worst flaw was, she would tell you his snark. Then she would start laughing her ass off and good luck to get more precisions out of her.</p>
<p>Finally, if you asked Hashirama Senju what his baby brother's worst flaw was, you would get an hour-long lecture (with a presentation and diagrams) of how his Tobira-chan was way way WAY too curious for his own good and the world's sanity. Yes, he knew it was for Science, but maybe don't raise the dead. Again.</p>
<p>Turned out (as surprisingly as it was) that regarding the current situation, Hashirama was right.</p>
<p>**************</p>
<p>Tobirama was hearing the little voice at the back of his mind, the one that sounded suspiciously like Hashirama, telling him that this was a bad idea, that he should get out of here ASAP and go back to the compound, but he deliberately chose to ignore it. What he was smelling in this crypt sealed to hell and back was way too juicy in term of SCIENCE to ignore in favor of stupid things like preservation instincts.</p>
<p>The crypt was dark and humid, filled with what was looking like huge chests and coffins. Everything was sealed shut.</p>
<p>Good thing Tobirama was a sealing master then.</p>
<p>It took him two hours to undo all the seals on the biggest coffin, and by the end of it, he was panting and a little singed, but finally he was able to open it. Which he did. Immediately. The top of the stone coffin fell on the floor with a resonating thud.</p>
<p>And then, a man, almost as pale as Tobirama, with long shaggy black hair and a handsome face, emerged from the coffin. When the stranger looked at Tobirama with glowing red eyes, the young Senju made himself the reflexion that he might have made a mistake.</p>
<p>Oh well.</p>
<p>**************</p>
<p>Madara wasn't really happy to have been woken up like that. He was even more happy with the puny little human (oh, pretty ! and smelling good too!) that had tried to trick him back into his coffin as sooon as he had gotten out.</p>
<p>(The human was smart. If Madara had been a tad less attentive, he would have been trapped again.)</p>
<p>"Listen," he said to the bound human, who was looking at him with an assessive eyebrow,"you stay here quietly and maybe I won't hurt you too much when I will drink your blood. Okay ?"</p>
<p>"Oh how nice of you, tall and mighty vampire," the human snarked while examining his bound wrists.</p>
<p>Madara bristled. He wasn't short, dammit ! Leaving the human where he was (later, he would reflect on that and realize he had made here his first mistake), he went to open Izuna's coffin. It took him a few minutes, but finally, his brother was free. Izuna emerged from his coffin muttering curses, always crancky when woken up.</p>
<p>"Hey Mads," he groaned,"please tell me you found breakfast..."</p>
<p>"Yes, of course, we have..."</p>
<p>At this moment, someone spoke on his right.</p>
<p>"Hey vampire, can you tell me what this is ?"</p>
<p>Madara turned just in time to see that horripilating human with the Pendant of Tsukuyomi in his hand. Horrified, he saw the white-haired infuse chakra in it and then the cave was invaded by flesh-eating bugs.</p>
<p>**************</p>
<p>Two hours later, after having burned the last insect to crisps, confiscated the Pendant from that crazy human and sealed it again, Madara, aided by a grumpy Izuna, had disvested the red-eyed man of his armor and all his weapons (he had somehow managed to escape five times during the process, had stabbed Izuna in the guts with a dagger hidden under his clothes, and they captured him again only because he stopped fighting them to take notes on the brothers' regeneratives abilities) and had hogtied him.</p>
<p>Swinging from left to right, the human sighed.</p>
<p>"Seriously, I promise I won't try to stab you again. Can you let me down now ?" he almost whined.</p>
<p>"Like hell, you nuisance !" Izuna snarled, still a little angry from the Pendant Incident. The human had the galls to roll his eyes. Madara, already exhausted, dragged a hand down his face.</p>
<p>"Stay here," he just groaned.</p>
<p>Then, they left him to go wake up their other clanmates (upon reflecting on this moment, he would realize he had just made his second mistake). They had just woken Hikaku when an infuriating voice hailed them.</p>
<p>"Hey vampire, what is that ?"</p>
<p>His right eye twitching, Madara turned just in time to see the fucking human infusing chakra into the Mirror of Amaterasu. A portal to hell opened and the cave was invaded by flesh-eating demons.</p>
<p>**************</p>
<p>Two hours later, after having closed the portal and burned the last demon to crisp (and okay, that human was crazy and had no preservation instincts whatsoever, but he knew how to fight !), Madara, aided by a rabid Izuna and a disgruntled Hikaku, had stripped this infuriating fucker to his underwears, had put him into a straightjacket that he might have secured a little too tightly if the little sound of discomfort he had gotten was anything to go by, and had tied his legs with leather belts to prevent him from using them. There, no leeway. He wasn't getting out of this.</p>
<p>"You know," the human had the guts to complain,"I think you might be overreacting..."</p>
<p>Izuna threw his hands up in fury.</p>
<p>"Just shut the fuck up and stay here till we eat you !" he snapped. The human just stared at him judgementally.</p>
<p>Two hours later, they had managed to wake up all their clanmates. Madara smiled.</p>
<p>"Brothers, sisters !" he cried,"we are finally free ! To celebrate that, let us offer you a meal of the finest quality !"</p>
<p>He turned and his face fell when he was faced with a little pile of leather belts set neatly on a folded straightjacket. His right eye started twitching. It became even worse when Hikaku turned to him, looking a little green around the edges.</p>
<p>"Madara, the Urn of Indra, the Grimoire of Decay and the Jar of Doom are missing..."</p>
<p>Madara felt like tearing his own hair.</p>
<p>"Get him !"</p>
<p>**************</p>
<p>Five hours later, they managed to catch up with him. The fucker was looking barely disheveled or sweaty.</p>
<p>"You'd better surrender or...!" Madara started, foaming at the mouth.</p>
<p>But the human interrupted him, smiling like crazy.</p>
<p>"Oh you're timely ! What does it do if I open that ?!" he asked, his eyes shining with a manical glint.</p>
<p>Then he opened the Urn of Indra and an ancient flesh-eating vampire got out. Madara wanted to scream in frustration.</p>
<p>**************</p>
<p>Two hours later, they had managed to squeeze their ancestor back in his urn. They were angry, hungry and rather disheveled, which was unnacceptable. Furious and decided to get revenge for this outrage, they rushed after the contrary human. They found him way too quickly. Madara had a bad feeling, since the fucker seemed to be waiting for them.</p>
<p>He opened his mouth but didn't have the time to speak.</p>
<p>"Just in time !" the human cheered,"tell me does this really work on vampires ?"</p>
<p>Then he produced a garlic head. Madara became green. The human's satisfied smile was the last thing he saw before he was nailed straight in the face by said garlic head.</p>
<p>**************</p>
<p>When a cackling Tobirama rushed through the gates of a the Senju compound, carrying what was apparently a large jar and an ancient book, followed by a mob of angry vampires sporting strange bruises and a rather violent urticaria, Hashirama knew that his tranquility was over. Mito and Toka, the traitors, were sitting on the engawa and munching on popcorn, watching the shitshow unfold.</p>
<p>A rather short vampire, with long shaggy black hair, a handsome face and a strange bruise in the center of his forehead, approached Hashirama.</p>
<p>"Is this asshole your brother ?!" he growled, pointing at Tobirama.</p>
<p>Hashirama nodded, wondering what his dear baby brother had done again.</p>
<p>"Well he's crazy ! The craziest human I've ever met ! And..."</p>
<p>What the vampire was about to say was lost when Hashirama heard Tobirama speak.</p>
<p>"I wonder what it would do if I do that !"</p>
<p>He turned on his heels, eyes widening in fear, and saw his baby brother about to open the strange looking jar. Without thinking twice, he jumped to prevent him to trigger yet another apocalypse. As the short vampire did the same thing, Hashirama made himself the reflexion that he might have found his new best friend.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>garlic gives vampires urticaria ;)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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